competent, gaining competence, or....?

I'm not even sure I spelled competent correctly. This may illustrate the way I'm feeling this week. Closing out another semester while working while managing a family- and not sure I'm doing a great job at any of those things. Subsequently, I feel a bit critical of my time management skills, stress management and reduction, etc.

I realize a part of this is perfectionism. I so desire to be perfect that I am often not meeting up to this standard- so I push harder, and harder, acheiving for a while but eventually losing interest, getting tired, and just wanting to have fun, and do nothing... for days on end. The negative feedback loop of that is that I often then feel reinforced about my beliefs that I am not perfect, am incapable, and am failing.

"There must be something wrong with me, I must be (insert negative here)..." NOT "I must be thinking about this incorrectly..." I know too much at this point to say the first is true, not the second. However- the first FEELS true, and sometimes I stubbornly want to go with my emotions rather than my mind.

When I first heard the album 'Cold Roses' by Ryan Adams several years ago, I was chilled by a line in the song "Let it ride" that says: "27 years and nothing but failures and promises that I couldn't keep..." I thought how sad it was that someone would be looking back over the mistakes made in such a short span of life and making some haunting conclusions from them. I wondered how much evidence I'd have of this same assertion when I was 27. Now that I'm 27, I'm wrestling with it... and I'm not sure what to conclude. Is it too soon? Am I in the gaining-competence time frame, or should I be at least somewhat competent by now, and which is a better measure of my competence, my good or bad days?

does a holistic perspective on health really matter?

I'm at the point in my semester where my cohort is stressed, 4-ish weeks of class left, a ton to do, and unsure how to get it done. In the past, that looks like me drinking a LOT of coffee, eating a LOT of junk food, struggling with sleep, and still needing to perform.

I'm trying a different approach, a holistic health plan. I'm CUTTING my caffeine (a little morning coffee, then green tea or decaf tea). I'm increasing fruit and veggie intake, eating whole grain (Kashi is my best friend), greek yogurt for extra protein, and tons of nuts. I'm forcing myself to go to bed. I'm choosing to do yoga before bed most nights. I'm starting to believe that taking care of myself mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually will actually allow me to be more productive.

Spiritual "taking care of" is at an interesting place right now. Church is a valuable part of that, but I am finding myself wrestling through a lot of questions and ideas right now- at times leaving me feeling far from God. Part of me believes that my perception of distance in this will resolve itself as I wrestle with questions and ideas and concerns, so I'm ok with it for right now. Is that spiritual growth? I don't know. Maybe I don't need to.

I was also reflecting on my ride home last night about how I'm just getting to the point of comfort in spiritual unknowns. I was realizing last night that one thing that may have been (not sure, still processing through it) problematic to me growing up was the emphasis on "apologetics"- the idea of knowing what you believe and why you believe it. Why was this problematic? I think (again, still processing) that the idea pushed me into a mindframe of "What is right and why", which turns into "This is right, this is wrong", which turns into "I am right, you are wrong", which ignores things like original and translator interpretation, whether we do or not emphasize context and culture... all things that can help us understand the rationale of our beliefs while abandoning word choice such as "I am right, you are wrong". We would possibly state our beliefs and values in ways that reflect our actual predicament- such as "I believe the author's intent was..." and "I feel this is consistent with the whole of scripture because..." Does this allow us to understand to new depths? I believe so. Does this make us less argumentative? I believe it can (some people will argue anything, let's be honest...)

So, I am attempting to practice holistic health. I'll monitor what if any impact it makes.

professional juggler wanted

This weekend appears to have marked the end of my insomnia. Hallelujia.

I think I was so exhausted that I couldn't help but crash. I also have been *trying* to maintain my yoga routine in the final push of my semester and in a stressful time at work. Managing being a counselor, student, commuter, wife, friend, and individual can be really tricky for me sometimes. I'm feeling good about how balance will allow me to juggle more effectively, but time management and healthy decision making will be my most important tasks.

My goals this week are: Yoga before bed, little-to-no TV watching, little-to-no caffeine, staying on top of paperwork and significant strides in school work. I believe I can do it.

72% dark cocoa in my hand

yes, i've been pumping antioxidants.

green tea. blueberries. 72% dark cocoa.

still trying to find the balance of self-care and productivity, especially when work and school heat up and there isn't more of me to go around. i also am very much a stress-eater, so rich creamy soups and cookies entice me to mellow out my anxiety. i gave in a bit, and end up with the day-after effects of feeling a bit crummy. i'm not always good at the rebound; starting each day as a new day. its easy for me to make day 2 a reverberation of day 1, often taking me until day 4 to get back to what i desire to be 'normal'.

Also- sleeping is still an issue, and i am wondering if sleep deprivation contributes to the negativity cycle i am (somewhat) on.

yoga makes me happy

yoga to end the night, and to arise this morning. Not sure if I have more energy, but I have eaten well as I am centered on taking care of myself... so it's doing something. I also like keeping resolutions to become healthier.

new year, healthy me

maintaining balance is difficult for a person like me who tends to be in extremes. problem is, i usually don't notice being off-balance until it has become a problem that i feel. this time my problem came as stress and the flu during the holidays, which surprisingly has encouraged me to actually start this healthy blog thing.

other "resolutions" i have realized since i was sick last week include:

1) restarting my yoga routine so that i can feel reconnected and balanced

2) abandoning (even whole-wheat) flour-based foods, because my body really doesn't digest flour well

3) decreasing caffeine (coffee or tea) to one cup per day, after which all will be decaf so that I can stay better hydrated

4) increasing fiber intake, especially via fruits and veggies

Mostly I'm returning to my roots, which i easily stray from for months on end when i am stressed and/or busy. I want to monitor via this blog to see if my stress level becomes more manageable and my mood improves as i return to a healthier lifestyle.

I'm also deleting all other blogs and consolidating in this one. Yea me.