Year 2 begins

Thus concludes my first and only summer off from my Psy.D. program. I'd like to say it was school work free, but alas. In actuality it was a time for me to research any client issues that I didn't have time to read up on during the school year, and time for me to start my Grad Assistant position without feeling like "I don't actually have a summer off."

Now I'm back. What that actually means is that I am getting back into the pace of school and work, which is more like a distance run or marathon than like a sprint. I'm really putting forth effort to not burn myself out, set a good stride and pace, and establish an organized system. 2 days in, and I am mostly succeeding. We'll see what the rest of the weekend holds.

Part of this transition for me is getting back into semi-regular blogging, ideally about professional growth-related issues. I want this to be a means of reflecting on ethical and methodological issues, developing as a psychology professional, etc. I want to renew my passion for people and the pursuit of health.

What I need a prescription for

I decided to have a U2 marathon the other day on my drive to a baby shower. GREAT idea. I was left alone to my thoughts, which have been a mix of numbed, confused, and tumultuous lately. I have felt very little hope- little hope for me, and in translation, little hope for my clients. I've struggled with this in the past, 'Cynical Carm', but this time has been particularly significant for me. In my shuffle of U2 melodies, I got stuck on Miracle Drug. Its' been a favorite for a long time because it is beautiful sounding, but certain lyrics got me this time through:

1. "Freedom has a scent"- its like freedom is real, rather than the cynical thought that even freedom isn't really free.

2. "I've seen enough, I'm not giving up on a miracle drug"- There is some inherent hope in this potentially hopeless lyric. The author is refusing to quit, mustering courage and even some determination. Usually the need of a miracle drug is when nothing else has worked, and the drug in clinical trials is the last option... and one can hope that it will work, but it speaks more to not giving up on the self. I think I need to find what my miracle drug is. What is the thing that will work to heal me, if I boldly let it?

3."There is no failure here sweetheart, just when you quit." -I could practically hear these words coming out of a certain person's mouth, and they have been comforting and inspiring to me throughout this journey thus far. It was encouraging to hear them again, and believe them because I believe the person who has spoken them before. It also inspires me, when playing off of the above lyric, to not quit. Don't give up, not on myself, not on my ability to heal or change or get better.

4 "I've had enough of romantic love, I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up for a miracle drug"- There are a lot of things I am realizing I am willing to sacrifice for my own healing. I'm encouraged by this song to do so- to give those things up.

Point is, I could tell you why I like every lyric of the whole song, including the way he relates God and a realization of God with reason, logic, science, and medicine. I truly experience God to a great extent through reason, logic, science, and medicine. But overall, I need to continue to listen to this song and meditate on what it means for me.

Just get through the next 2 weeks......

I have been super-torn about this whole school thing for the past few weeks.

On the one hand, even with my non-school friends, all I can seem to talk about is school. Is this thing taking over my life? Sure is. I guess that's understandable, but 5 years of life becoming school-oriented makes Carm a dull girl.

On the other hand, I am so grateful for my upcoming opportunities. June will hold Grad Assistant Research Coordinator stuff, with the time to actually do it well without being distracted. July will hold shadowing some professors, working through more preliminary dissertation proposal stuff, and taking on a work project. That should carry me through the rest of the summer just fine.

On another hand (cause I apparently have more than 2) I am swamped with work and not sure what the fall of 2010 will have for me. Plus I have no idea what my Spring 2010 grades will be, which is disappointing compared with my Fall and Winter 2009 grades.

And finally on another hand (maybe I should have moved to feet) I am still aware of how lucky I am to be in this program and how grateful I am for it- I just know that I need a break for a little while, too.

Ambivalence everywhere. Ideally I'll catch up on organization, sleep, and hobbies/fun over the summer so that I can be refreshed to go for a while.

Letting Go of the Way I am?

There are a lot of life things that I don't "do right". There are a lot of faith things that I don't "do right". Does that mean that I'm not trying to figure that out? No. For me, that means I am wrestling with a lot- to understand myself, to understand how I am supposed to live, to understand what health is or looks like (so I can pursue it and lead clients towards it).

I realized the other day (after a good conversation with another struggler) that my gut instinct is to flinch and wait for God to strike me with lightening, or allow the ground to swallow me whole. Each time I am SURE that the idol (that I'm struggling with admitting that I stole and stashed) is going to lead to my destruction- not my mental or emotional destruction, but punishment rather than change.

The health-oriented psychologist-to-be in me says, change needs to compel me to abandon anything that would lead to destruction in me! As God builds wisdom or discernment in me and convicts me I need to walk away from those things! But the legalist in me is sure that God's interest is in me being afraid of punishment, and making decisions reflective of that fear. It reminds me of the old Death Cab song where the Nun tells him "fear is the heart of love." I thought that idea was chilling, and untrue.

Point is, Jen K. (one of my favorite musicians from my teenage years) came out as a lesbian to Christianity Today this week. Wow. If you read the interview, it seems that right ow she's in a place of acceptance, not necessarily struggle. But, she is on a journey- like all of us. Who knows where God is taking her or where she will be. BUT if she can (imperfectly) pursue Him in that process... that is freedom. I would love to see that happen, even if I would make choices differently from how she is (I can't say, because I have never had to walk through that struggle). I just find the entire thing very thought-provoking.

feeling like glass.

Interesting week this week. Life is not nearly as black and white as I want it to be, and usually is a whole lot more confusing and complicated and scary.

I had several clients this week wrestling with some extremely painful things. Abuse they held inside for years and didn't disclose. Abandonment issues and fears that for 10 or even 15 years they tried to push through, not knowing how to forgive the other or forgive themselves. Some of these clients this week decided that they can't make their marriages work, despite feeling very convicted against divorce. Some continue to wrestle with how to have courage and strength when they want to self harm. Some are watching their dreams slip through their hands and fade away, completely outside of their control, not knowing who they are in the aftermath.

I realize at times that I can be very matter-of-factual. My heart doesn't go to the painful and broken place with them where there are no easy answers and pain is an endurable reality. Its so scary to do that, to own that I can't save them or fix their situation, I can't even save myself or fix my own situations. I want to get into problem-solving mode with them and teach them skills, when sometimes it's just... not the time for that. Its time to break with them and let that be. To own that life is fragile and so easily shatters at times. I want to fix it, I want to know where to go with it but sometimes I just don't.

There's a Blindside song that asks "Don't you ever feel like glass?" It hints to this strange situation we are in where at any moment, like a glass ornament on a tree, we could be mishandled and fall and shatter. We are delicate and fragile and frail. Yet there is freedom in understanding and embracing that, instead of putting on this protective wall that's meant to keep us from being vulnerable. We are like glass, but sometimes we don't feel like it because we're fooling ourselves- convincing ourselves that we are safe and secure in this world and free to do or be whoever we want without actually being vulnerable to breaking.

Can this go to a positive place? Can we look towards and anticipate redemption in the midst of this kind of sorrow? My life mantras reflect my expectation of God's redemption, but sometimes I fear that it will not come- not in my life or in the lives of my hurting clients. That tells me I need to understand the cross and grace and mercy and love in ways that I do not yet grasp. I think I'm too afraid to, too afraid that I'll reach out to hold onto mercy and love and plummet to my death because God's hand wasn't there waiting to meet mine... or to catch me.

Proactivity

One of the ways I am attempting to compensate for my feelings of ineptness is to start every future expectation in advance. As a first year student, I have already submitted my very early first edition of my dissertation proposal, been involved in a research team, worked with my advisor to keep my pacing up, and yesterday I had a meeting with our university Internship director to ensure that I am heading in the right direction to prepare for that competitive process I will be in approximately 2.5 years from now.

His feedback was interesting; he noted that one of the most significant differential indicators of performance isn't grades (there is a minimum expectation that everyone by that point should be performing at), it's proactivity. He explained that proactive people seek knowledge, pursue growth, and don't have to be dragged kicking and screaming through some of the difficult processes of obtaining a doctoral degree. He encouraged me to have a clear vision for my dissertation (check), get to know faculty well and personally (check), get involved in research (check), develop my writing style and articulation (check).

I was relieved that he said all those things. When I ran down where I am at to him (working in private practice, about to begin Grad Assistantship coordinating a research project, already having some of my dissertation committee formed and reviewing my initial proposal, etc.) he pretty much stated that I am already way ahead of the game, and I just need to keep running with it. I am almost verbatim quoting him saying "the fact that you're here meeting with me now already tells me a whole lot about who you are as a student and how you will succeed at all this". He seemed impressed, which made me really happy.

All in all, I am purely excited about where this is headed. I still feel like I'm perpetually playing catch up, but I have ONE summer goal: get my organization of school/work/research established so that I can function in that mode successfully for the following 3 years. I believe I can do it :)

Ryan adams is describing my thoughts right now.

One of my favorite music loves, ryan adams, can't help but describe my thoughts right now...

I see monsters

Baby, I know you cannot hear me now

'Cause you're fast asleep

But I love you now

Colors inside your head go spinning around

Like a ferris wheel

Exploding and falling to the ground

Oh, people are screaming, people are screaming

My baby, she's dreaming

Oh, people are shouting, people are freaking

I'm just staring at the ceiling

Waiting for the feeling

Oh, oh but when she calls,

I know she's the one

Makes me want her harder

Makes me want to be a little stronger

Still I see monsters

Still I see monsters

Baby, I know you cannot hear me now

'Cause you're flying around

At the speed of sound

Colors inside your head go spinning around

Like a ferris wheel

Exploding and falling to the ground

Oh, people are screaming, people are screaming

My babies, she's dreaming

Oh, people are shouting, people are freaking

I'm just staring at the ceiling

Waiting for the feeling

Oh, oh when she calls

I know that she's the one

Makes me want it harder

Makes me want to be a little stronger

Still I see the monsters