Letting Go of the Way I am?

There are a lot of life things that I don't "do right". There are a lot of faith things that I don't "do right". Does that mean that I'm not trying to figure that out? No. For me, that means I am wrestling with a lot- to understand myself, to understand how I am supposed to live, to understand what health is or looks like (so I can pursue it and lead clients towards it).

I realized the other day (after a good conversation with another struggler) that my gut instinct is to flinch and wait for God to strike me with lightening, or allow the ground to swallow me whole. Each time I am SURE that the idol (that I'm struggling with admitting that I stole and stashed) is going to lead to my destruction- not my mental or emotional destruction, but punishment rather than change.

The health-oriented psychologist-to-be in me says, change needs to compel me to abandon anything that would lead to destruction in me! As God builds wisdom or discernment in me and convicts me I need to walk away from those things! But the legalist in me is sure that God's interest is in me being afraid of punishment, and making decisions reflective of that fear. It reminds me of the old Death Cab song where the Nun tells him "fear is the heart of love." I thought that idea was chilling, and untrue.

Point is, Jen K. (one of my favorite musicians from my teenage years) came out as a lesbian to Christianity Today this week. Wow. If you read the interview, it seems that right ow she's in a place of acceptance, not necessarily struggle. But, she is on a journey- like all of us. Who knows where God is taking her or where she will be. BUT if she can (imperfectly) pursue Him in that process... that is freedom. I would love to see that happen, even if I would make choices differently from how she is (I can't say, because I have never had to walk through that struggle). I just find the entire thing very thought-provoking.