I'm not even sure I spelled competent correctly. This may illustrate the way I'm feeling this week. Closing out another semester while working while managing a family- and not sure I'm doing a great job at any of those things. Subsequently, I feel a bit critical of my time management skills, stress management and reduction, etc.
I realize a part of this is perfectionism. I so desire to be perfect that I am often not meeting up to this standard- so I push harder, and harder, acheiving for a while but eventually losing interest, getting tired, and just wanting to have fun, and do nothing... for days on end. The negative feedback loop of that is that I often then feel reinforced about my beliefs that I am not perfect, am incapable, and am failing.
"There must be something wrong with me, I must be (insert negative here)..." NOT "I must be thinking about this incorrectly..." I know too much at this point to say the first is true, not the second. However- the first FEELS true, and sometimes I stubbornly want to go with my emotions rather than my mind.
When I first heard the album 'Cold Roses' by Ryan Adams several years ago, I was chilled by a line in the song "Let it ride" that says: "27 years and nothing but failures and promises that I couldn't keep..." I thought how sad it was that someone would be looking back over the mistakes made in such a short span of life and making some haunting conclusions from them. I wondered how much evidence I'd have of this same assertion when I was 27. Now that I'm 27, I'm wrestling with it... and I'm not sure what to conclude. Is it too soon? Am I in the gaining-competence time frame, or should I be at least somewhat competent by now, and which is a better measure of my competence, my good or bad days?
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I feel like for me, the dillusion of "competence" has been a trap. My own pursuit of a doctorate has created a tangible need for me to demonstrate my "competence" as a student, teacher, researcher, and artist, writer...all at the same time (not to mention the fact that there are other areas of your life that still exist).
ReplyDeleteSometimes my competence is really what is being evaluated. Most of the time it is not. I hold it out in front of me under the guise of "wanting to be excellent" and it becomes something I feel that I can never attain. I have realized that "competence" is a mirage.
I have to keep reminding myself that I'm ultimately about finding favor with a creator who wired me in a way that pleases him. I already please him. And, when things go awry, he is willing to work with me.
I have a saying on my mirror that a friend gave to me many years ago. The meaning of this saying has changed since becoming a doc student. Maybe it will encourage you too:
"I have great worth apart from my performance because Christ gave his life for me, and therefore, imparted great value to me. I am deeply loved, fully pleasing, accepted, and complete in Christ." Robert McGee