Letting Go of the Way I am?

There are a lot of life things that I don't "do right". There are a lot of faith things that I don't "do right". Does that mean that I'm not trying to figure that out? No. For me, that means I am wrestling with a lot- to understand myself, to understand how I am supposed to live, to understand what health is or looks like (so I can pursue it and lead clients towards it).

I realized the other day (after a good conversation with another struggler) that my gut instinct is to flinch and wait for God to strike me with lightening, or allow the ground to swallow me whole. Each time I am SURE that the idol (that I'm struggling with admitting that I stole and stashed) is going to lead to my destruction- not my mental or emotional destruction, but punishment rather than change.

The health-oriented psychologist-to-be in me says, change needs to compel me to abandon anything that would lead to destruction in me! As God builds wisdom or discernment in me and convicts me I need to walk away from those things! But the legalist in me is sure that God's interest is in me being afraid of punishment, and making decisions reflective of that fear. It reminds me of the old Death Cab song where the Nun tells him "fear is the heart of love." I thought that idea was chilling, and untrue.

Point is, Jen K. (one of my favorite musicians from my teenage years) came out as a lesbian to Christianity Today this week. Wow. If you read the interview, it seems that right ow she's in a place of acceptance, not necessarily struggle. But, she is on a journey- like all of us. Who knows where God is taking her or where she will be. BUT if she can (imperfectly) pursue Him in that process... that is freedom. I would love to see that happen, even if I would make choices differently from how she is (I can't say, because I have never had to walk through that struggle). I just find the entire thing very thought-provoking.

feeling like glass.

Interesting week this week. Life is not nearly as black and white as I want it to be, and usually is a whole lot more confusing and complicated and scary.

I had several clients this week wrestling with some extremely painful things. Abuse they held inside for years and didn't disclose. Abandonment issues and fears that for 10 or even 15 years they tried to push through, not knowing how to forgive the other or forgive themselves. Some of these clients this week decided that they can't make their marriages work, despite feeling very convicted against divorce. Some continue to wrestle with how to have courage and strength when they want to self harm. Some are watching their dreams slip through their hands and fade away, completely outside of their control, not knowing who they are in the aftermath.

I realize at times that I can be very matter-of-factual. My heart doesn't go to the painful and broken place with them where there are no easy answers and pain is an endurable reality. Its so scary to do that, to own that I can't save them or fix their situation, I can't even save myself or fix my own situations. I want to get into problem-solving mode with them and teach them skills, when sometimes it's just... not the time for that. Its time to break with them and let that be. To own that life is fragile and so easily shatters at times. I want to fix it, I want to know where to go with it but sometimes I just don't.

There's a Blindside song that asks "Don't you ever feel like glass?" It hints to this strange situation we are in where at any moment, like a glass ornament on a tree, we could be mishandled and fall and shatter. We are delicate and fragile and frail. Yet there is freedom in understanding and embracing that, instead of putting on this protective wall that's meant to keep us from being vulnerable. We are like glass, but sometimes we don't feel like it because we're fooling ourselves- convincing ourselves that we are safe and secure in this world and free to do or be whoever we want without actually being vulnerable to breaking.

Can this go to a positive place? Can we look towards and anticipate redemption in the midst of this kind of sorrow? My life mantras reflect my expectation of God's redemption, but sometimes I fear that it will not come- not in my life or in the lives of my hurting clients. That tells me I need to understand the cross and grace and mercy and love in ways that I do not yet grasp. I think I'm too afraid to, too afraid that I'll reach out to hold onto mercy and love and plummet to my death because God's hand wasn't there waiting to meet mine... or to catch me.

Proactivity

One of the ways I am attempting to compensate for my feelings of ineptness is to start every future expectation in advance. As a first year student, I have already submitted my very early first edition of my dissertation proposal, been involved in a research team, worked with my advisor to keep my pacing up, and yesterday I had a meeting with our university Internship director to ensure that I am heading in the right direction to prepare for that competitive process I will be in approximately 2.5 years from now.

His feedback was interesting; he noted that one of the most significant differential indicators of performance isn't grades (there is a minimum expectation that everyone by that point should be performing at), it's proactivity. He explained that proactive people seek knowledge, pursue growth, and don't have to be dragged kicking and screaming through some of the difficult processes of obtaining a doctoral degree. He encouraged me to have a clear vision for my dissertation (check), get to know faculty well and personally (check), get involved in research (check), develop my writing style and articulation (check).

I was relieved that he said all those things. When I ran down where I am at to him (working in private practice, about to begin Grad Assistantship coordinating a research project, already having some of my dissertation committee formed and reviewing my initial proposal, etc.) he pretty much stated that I am already way ahead of the game, and I just need to keep running with it. I am almost verbatim quoting him saying "the fact that you're here meeting with me now already tells me a whole lot about who you are as a student and how you will succeed at all this". He seemed impressed, which made me really happy.

All in all, I am purely excited about where this is headed. I still feel like I'm perpetually playing catch up, but I have ONE summer goal: get my organization of school/work/research established so that I can function in that mode successfully for the following 3 years. I believe I can do it :)

Ryan adams is describing my thoughts right now.

One of my favorite music loves, ryan adams, can't help but describe my thoughts right now...

I see monsters

Baby, I know you cannot hear me now

'Cause you're fast asleep

But I love you now

Colors inside your head go spinning around

Like a ferris wheel

Exploding and falling to the ground

Oh, people are screaming, people are screaming

My baby, she's dreaming

Oh, people are shouting, people are freaking

I'm just staring at the ceiling

Waiting for the feeling

Oh, oh but when she calls,

I know she's the one

Makes me want her harder

Makes me want to be a little stronger

Still I see monsters

Still I see monsters

Baby, I know you cannot hear me now

'Cause you're flying around

At the speed of sound

Colors inside your head go spinning around

Like a ferris wheel

Exploding and falling to the ground

Oh, people are screaming, people are screaming

My babies, she's dreaming

Oh, people are shouting, people are freaking

I'm just staring at the ceiling

Waiting for the feeling

Oh, oh when she calls

I know that she's the one

Makes me want it harder

Makes me want to be a little stronger

Still I see the monsters

lessons from a successful term 2

Just sharing a few thoughts about school...

1. I HAVE to do ALL of the reading to do well.
2. I HAVE to take sufficient time to complete assignments.
3. I HAVE to take care of myself so I have energy.

Term grades are in. I love that psychology classes give means and medians for each assignment/test. I got a 95 on my final (mean of 81, median of 84) and a 93 on the final project (mean of 81, median of 79). What does this tell me? I did some things right at the end of my semester.

However, my midterm grade (one of the lowest in the class) brought my average down to an 88.4 (class mean 88.1, median 88.1), aka I was not statistically significantly different from the class average. This says a lot. I'm trying to figure out what to do.

I don't know how to fix my situation. I'm finding that I'm low on energy, mood, and motivation right now, and am about 2 weeks behind the curve of where I should be... in everything. NONE of this has caught up with me yet, because no assignments have come due. I am barely surviving at work, and feel like I'm about to crash and burn. And, again, I don't know what to do to fix my situation.

Any ideas?

blogging from school

The air here smells of new applicants nervous about admissions interviews, and stressed out finals-takers. The information desk attendant exclaims "Happy Wednesday" to all who enter. She delighted me on my interview day.

I am on the rebound and feeling much more refreshed. I've been processing my distorted thinking and changing my mind on my priorities. A good conversation with a friend really helped... there's a lot of history in that particular friendship, and I really respect who she is and what she stands for. I value her very much. Which makes me realize that stressing out over the opinions of people whom I would not describe the same way is truly not worth it.

Of course, re-centering my thoughts has compelled me to return to my yoga routine. And I'm feeling energized about plowing through the rest of the semester, too. I do believe in sound body/sound mind...

and the song of the day is "Goodbye, This is not goodbye" by OtR, for a lot of reasons. My thoughts are provoked but I'm done with blogging for now.

maybe it's the yoga...

but I've had this song with the word "karma" in my head for the past few days (kidding, it's not the yoga. I don't do any of those componants of yoga practice).

Part of that song says ..."I've given all I can, it's not enough. I've given all I can..." That is exactly how I have been feeling lately- wrestling with my perfectionism, trying to find balance, not even being receptive to traits like gratitude. I think fear, doubt, and an expectation of impending failure have consumed my thoughts. I've avoided eating well, and avoided relieving stress and internalized all of this.

Point is- the song concludes by repeating a phrase which is helping me snap out of it. I think I appreciate that coming full circle could simply be snapping back into my right mind. I feel like even the phrase demands that I readjust to my surroundings and adjust my focus. It says:

"For a minute there I lost myself, I lost myself. for a minute there I lost myself........"