Year 2 begins

Thus concludes my first and only summer off from my Psy.D. program. I'd like to say it was school work free, but alas. In actuality it was a time for me to research any client issues that I didn't have time to read up on during the school year, and time for me to start my Grad Assistant position without feeling like "I don't actually have a summer off."

Now I'm back. What that actually means is that I am getting back into the pace of school and work, which is more like a distance run or marathon than like a sprint. I'm really putting forth effort to not burn myself out, set a good stride and pace, and establish an organized system. 2 days in, and I am mostly succeeding. We'll see what the rest of the weekend holds.

Part of this transition for me is getting back into semi-regular blogging, ideally about professional growth-related issues. I want this to be a means of reflecting on ethical and methodological issues, developing as a psychology professional, etc. I want to renew my passion for people and the pursuit of health.

What I need a prescription for

I decided to have a U2 marathon the other day on my drive to a baby shower. GREAT idea. I was left alone to my thoughts, which have been a mix of numbed, confused, and tumultuous lately. I have felt very little hope- little hope for me, and in translation, little hope for my clients. I've struggled with this in the past, 'Cynical Carm', but this time has been particularly significant for me. In my shuffle of U2 melodies, I got stuck on Miracle Drug. Its' been a favorite for a long time because it is beautiful sounding, but certain lyrics got me this time through:

1. "Freedom has a scent"- its like freedom is real, rather than the cynical thought that even freedom isn't really free.

2. "I've seen enough, I'm not giving up on a miracle drug"- There is some inherent hope in this potentially hopeless lyric. The author is refusing to quit, mustering courage and even some determination. Usually the need of a miracle drug is when nothing else has worked, and the drug in clinical trials is the last option... and one can hope that it will work, but it speaks more to not giving up on the self. I think I need to find what my miracle drug is. What is the thing that will work to heal me, if I boldly let it?

3."There is no failure here sweetheart, just when you quit." -I could practically hear these words coming out of a certain person's mouth, and they have been comforting and inspiring to me throughout this journey thus far. It was encouraging to hear them again, and believe them because I believe the person who has spoken them before. It also inspires me, when playing off of the above lyric, to not quit. Don't give up, not on myself, not on my ability to heal or change or get better.

4 "I've had enough of romantic love, I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up for a miracle drug"- There are a lot of things I am realizing I am willing to sacrifice for my own healing. I'm encouraged by this song to do so- to give those things up.

Point is, I could tell you why I like every lyric of the whole song, including the way he relates God and a realization of God with reason, logic, science, and medicine. I truly experience God to a great extent through reason, logic, science, and medicine. But overall, I need to continue to listen to this song and meditate on what it means for me.

Just get through the next 2 weeks......

I have been super-torn about this whole school thing for the past few weeks.

On the one hand, even with my non-school friends, all I can seem to talk about is school. Is this thing taking over my life? Sure is. I guess that's understandable, but 5 years of life becoming school-oriented makes Carm a dull girl.

On the other hand, I am so grateful for my upcoming opportunities. June will hold Grad Assistant Research Coordinator stuff, with the time to actually do it well without being distracted. July will hold shadowing some professors, working through more preliminary dissertation proposal stuff, and taking on a work project. That should carry me through the rest of the summer just fine.

On another hand (cause I apparently have more than 2) I am swamped with work and not sure what the fall of 2010 will have for me. Plus I have no idea what my Spring 2010 grades will be, which is disappointing compared with my Fall and Winter 2009 grades.

And finally on another hand (maybe I should have moved to feet) I am still aware of how lucky I am to be in this program and how grateful I am for it- I just know that I need a break for a little while, too.

Ambivalence everywhere. Ideally I'll catch up on organization, sleep, and hobbies/fun over the summer so that I can be refreshed to go for a while.

Letting Go of the Way I am?

There are a lot of life things that I don't "do right". There are a lot of faith things that I don't "do right". Does that mean that I'm not trying to figure that out? No. For me, that means I am wrestling with a lot- to understand myself, to understand how I am supposed to live, to understand what health is or looks like (so I can pursue it and lead clients towards it).

I realized the other day (after a good conversation with another struggler) that my gut instinct is to flinch and wait for God to strike me with lightening, or allow the ground to swallow me whole. Each time I am SURE that the idol (that I'm struggling with admitting that I stole and stashed) is going to lead to my destruction- not my mental or emotional destruction, but punishment rather than change.

The health-oriented psychologist-to-be in me says, change needs to compel me to abandon anything that would lead to destruction in me! As God builds wisdom or discernment in me and convicts me I need to walk away from those things! But the legalist in me is sure that God's interest is in me being afraid of punishment, and making decisions reflective of that fear. It reminds me of the old Death Cab song where the Nun tells him "fear is the heart of love." I thought that idea was chilling, and untrue.

Point is, Jen K. (one of my favorite musicians from my teenage years) came out as a lesbian to Christianity Today this week. Wow. If you read the interview, it seems that right ow she's in a place of acceptance, not necessarily struggle. But, she is on a journey- like all of us. Who knows where God is taking her or where she will be. BUT if she can (imperfectly) pursue Him in that process... that is freedom. I would love to see that happen, even if I would make choices differently from how she is (I can't say, because I have never had to walk through that struggle). I just find the entire thing very thought-provoking.

feeling like glass.

Interesting week this week. Life is not nearly as black and white as I want it to be, and usually is a whole lot more confusing and complicated and scary.

I had several clients this week wrestling with some extremely painful things. Abuse they held inside for years and didn't disclose. Abandonment issues and fears that for 10 or even 15 years they tried to push through, not knowing how to forgive the other or forgive themselves. Some of these clients this week decided that they can't make their marriages work, despite feeling very convicted against divorce. Some continue to wrestle with how to have courage and strength when they want to self harm. Some are watching their dreams slip through their hands and fade away, completely outside of their control, not knowing who they are in the aftermath.

I realize at times that I can be very matter-of-factual. My heart doesn't go to the painful and broken place with them where there are no easy answers and pain is an endurable reality. Its so scary to do that, to own that I can't save them or fix their situation, I can't even save myself or fix my own situations. I want to get into problem-solving mode with them and teach them skills, when sometimes it's just... not the time for that. Its time to break with them and let that be. To own that life is fragile and so easily shatters at times. I want to fix it, I want to know where to go with it but sometimes I just don't.

There's a Blindside song that asks "Don't you ever feel like glass?" It hints to this strange situation we are in where at any moment, like a glass ornament on a tree, we could be mishandled and fall and shatter. We are delicate and fragile and frail. Yet there is freedom in understanding and embracing that, instead of putting on this protective wall that's meant to keep us from being vulnerable. We are like glass, but sometimes we don't feel like it because we're fooling ourselves- convincing ourselves that we are safe and secure in this world and free to do or be whoever we want without actually being vulnerable to breaking.

Can this go to a positive place? Can we look towards and anticipate redemption in the midst of this kind of sorrow? My life mantras reflect my expectation of God's redemption, but sometimes I fear that it will not come- not in my life or in the lives of my hurting clients. That tells me I need to understand the cross and grace and mercy and love in ways that I do not yet grasp. I think I'm too afraid to, too afraid that I'll reach out to hold onto mercy and love and plummet to my death because God's hand wasn't there waiting to meet mine... or to catch me.

Proactivity

One of the ways I am attempting to compensate for my feelings of ineptness is to start every future expectation in advance. As a first year student, I have already submitted my very early first edition of my dissertation proposal, been involved in a research team, worked with my advisor to keep my pacing up, and yesterday I had a meeting with our university Internship director to ensure that I am heading in the right direction to prepare for that competitive process I will be in approximately 2.5 years from now.

His feedback was interesting; he noted that one of the most significant differential indicators of performance isn't grades (there is a minimum expectation that everyone by that point should be performing at), it's proactivity. He explained that proactive people seek knowledge, pursue growth, and don't have to be dragged kicking and screaming through some of the difficult processes of obtaining a doctoral degree. He encouraged me to have a clear vision for my dissertation (check), get to know faculty well and personally (check), get involved in research (check), develop my writing style and articulation (check).

I was relieved that he said all those things. When I ran down where I am at to him (working in private practice, about to begin Grad Assistantship coordinating a research project, already having some of my dissertation committee formed and reviewing my initial proposal, etc.) he pretty much stated that I am already way ahead of the game, and I just need to keep running with it. I am almost verbatim quoting him saying "the fact that you're here meeting with me now already tells me a whole lot about who you are as a student and how you will succeed at all this". He seemed impressed, which made me really happy.

All in all, I am purely excited about where this is headed. I still feel like I'm perpetually playing catch up, but I have ONE summer goal: get my organization of school/work/research established so that I can function in that mode successfully for the following 3 years. I believe I can do it :)

Ryan adams is describing my thoughts right now.

One of my favorite music loves, ryan adams, can't help but describe my thoughts right now...

I see monsters

Baby, I know you cannot hear me now

'Cause you're fast asleep

But I love you now

Colors inside your head go spinning around

Like a ferris wheel

Exploding and falling to the ground

Oh, people are screaming, people are screaming

My baby, she's dreaming

Oh, people are shouting, people are freaking

I'm just staring at the ceiling

Waiting for the feeling

Oh, oh but when she calls,

I know she's the one

Makes me want her harder

Makes me want to be a little stronger

Still I see monsters

Still I see monsters

Baby, I know you cannot hear me now

'Cause you're flying around

At the speed of sound

Colors inside your head go spinning around

Like a ferris wheel

Exploding and falling to the ground

Oh, people are screaming, people are screaming

My babies, she's dreaming

Oh, people are shouting, people are freaking

I'm just staring at the ceiling

Waiting for the feeling

Oh, oh when she calls

I know that she's the one

Makes me want it harder

Makes me want to be a little stronger

Still I see the monsters

lessons from a successful term 2

Just sharing a few thoughts about school...

1. I HAVE to do ALL of the reading to do well.
2. I HAVE to take sufficient time to complete assignments.
3. I HAVE to take care of myself so I have energy.

Term grades are in. I love that psychology classes give means and medians for each assignment/test. I got a 95 on my final (mean of 81, median of 84) and a 93 on the final project (mean of 81, median of 79). What does this tell me? I did some things right at the end of my semester.

However, my midterm grade (one of the lowest in the class) brought my average down to an 88.4 (class mean 88.1, median 88.1), aka I was not statistically significantly different from the class average. This says a lot. I'm trying to figure out what to do.

I don't know how to fix my situation. I'm finding that I'm low on energy, mood, and motivation right now, and am about 2 weeks behind the curve of where I should be... in everything. NONE of this has caught up with me yet, because no assignments have come due. I am barely surviving at work, and feel like I'm about to crash and burn. And, again, I don't know what to do to fix my situation.

Any ideas?

blogging from school

The air here smells of new applicants nervous about admissions interviews, and stressed out finals-takers. The information desk attendant exclaims "Happy Wednesday" to all who enter. She delighted me on my interview day.

I am on the rebound and feeling much more refreshed. I've been processing my distorted thinking and changing my mind on my priorities. A good conversation with a friend really helped... there's a lot of history in that particular friendship, and I really respect who she is and what she stands for. I value her very much. Which makes me realize that stressing out over the opinions of people whom I would not describe the same way is truly not worth it.

Of course, re-centering my thoughts has compelled me to return to my yoga routine. And I'm feeling energized about plowing through the rest of the semester, too. I do believe in sound body/sound mind...

and the song of the day is "Goodbye, This is not goodbye" by OtR, for a lot of reasons. My thoughts are provoked but I'm done with blogging for now.

maybe it's the yoga...

but I've had this song with the word "karma" in my head for the past few days (kidding, it's not the yoga. I don't do any of those componants of yoga practice).

Part of that song says ..."I've given all I can, it's not enough. I've given all I can..." That is exactly how I have been feeling lately- wrestling with my perfectionism, trying to find balance, not even being receptive to traits like gratitude. I think fear, doubt, and an expectation of impending failure have consumed my thoughts. I've avoided eating well, and avoided relieving stress and internalized all of this.

Point is- the song concludes by repeating a phrase which is helping me snap out of it. I think I appreciate that coming full circle could simply be snapping back into my right mind. I feel like even the phrase demands that I readjust to my surroundings and adjust my focus. It says:

"For a minute there I lost myself, I lost myself. for a minute there I lost myself........"

competent, gaining competence, or....?

I'm not even sure I spelled competent correctly. This may illustrate the way I'm feeling this week. Closing out another semester while working while managing a family- and not sure I'm doing a great job at any of those things. Subsequently, I feel a bit critical of my time management skills, stress management and reduction, etc.

I realize a part of this is perfectionism. I so desire to be perfect that I am often not meeting up to this standard- so I push harder, and harder, acheiving for a while but eventually losing interest, getting tired, and just wanting to have fun, and do nothing... for days on end. The negative feedback loop of that is that I often then feel reinforced about my beliefs that I am not perfect, am incapable, and am failing.

"There must be something wrong with me, I must be (insert negative here)..." NOT "I must be thinking about this incorrectly..." I know too much at this point to say the first is true, not the second. However- the first FEELS true, and sometimes I stubbornly want to go with my emotions rather than my mind.

When I first heard the album 'Cold Roses' by Ryan Adams several years ago, I was chilled by a line in the song "Let it ride" that says: "27 years and nothing but failures and promises that I couldn't keep..." I thought how sad it was that someone would be looking back over the mistakes made in such a short span of life and making some haunting conclusions from them. I wondered how much evidence I'd have of this same assertion when I was 27. Now that I'm 27, I'm wrestling with it... and I'm not sure what to conclude. Is it too soon? Am I in the gaining-competence time frame, or should I be at least somewhat competent by now, and which is a better measure of my competence, my good or bad days?

does a holistic perspective on health really matter?

I'm at the point in my semester where my cohort is stressed, 4-ish weeks of class left, a ton to do, and unsure how to get it done. In the past, that looks like me drinking a LOT of coffee, eating a LOT of junk food, struggling with sleep, and still needing to perform.

I'm trying a different approach, a holistic health plan. I'm CUTTING my caffeine (a little morning coffee, then green tea or decaf tea). I'm increasing fruit and veggie intake, eating whole grain (Kashi is my best friend), greek yogurt for extra protein, and tons of nuts. I'm forcing myself to go to bed. I'm choosing to do yoga before bed most nights. I'm starting to believe that taking care of myself mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually will actually allow me to be more productive.

Spiritual "taking care of" is at an interesting place right now. Church is a valuable part of that, but I am finding myself wrestling through a lot of questions and ideas right now- at times leaving me feeling far from God. Part of me believes that my perception of distance in this will resolve itself as I wrestle with questions and ideas and concerns, so I'm ok with it for right now. Is that spiritual growth? I don't know. Maybe I don't need to.

I was also reflecting on my ride home last night about how I'm just getting to the point of comfort in spiritual unknowns. I was realizing last night that one thing that may have been (not sure, still processing through it) problematic to me growing up was the emphasis on "apologetics"- the idea of knowing what you believe and why you believe it. Why was this problematic? I think (again, still processing) that the idea pushed me into a mindframe of "What is right and why", which turns into "This is right, this is wrong", which turns into "I am right, you are wrong", which ignores things like original and translator interpretation, whether we do or not emphasize context and culture... all things that can help us understand the rationale of our beliefs while abandoning word choice such as "I am right, you are wrong". We would possibly state our beliefs and values in ways that reflect our actual predicament- such as "I believe the author's intent was..." and "I feel this is consistent with the whole of scripture because..." Does this allow us to understand to new depths? I believe so. Does this make us less argumentative? I believe it can (some people will argue anything, let's be honest...)

So, I am attempting to practice holistic health. I'll monitor what if any impact it makes.

professional juggler wanted

This weekend appears to have marked the end of my insomnia. Hallelujia.

I think I was so exhausted that I couldn't help but crash. I also have been *trying* to maintain my yoga routine in the final push of my semester and in a stressful time at work. Managing being a counselor, student, commuter, wife, friend, and individual can be really tricky for me sometimes. I'm feeling good about how balance will allow me to juggle more effectively, but time management and healthy decision making will be my most important tasks.

My goals this week are: Yoga before bed, little-to-no TV watching, little-to-no caffeine, staying on top of paperwork and significant strides in school work. I believe I can do it.

72% dark cocoa in my hand

yes, i've been pumping antioxidants.

green tea. blueberries. 72% dark cocoa.

still trying to find the balance of self-care and productivity, especially when work and school heat up and there isn't more of me to go around. i also am very much a stress-eater, so rich creamy soups and cookies entice me to mellow out my anxiety. i gave in a bit, and end up with the day-after effects of feeling a bit crummy. i'm not always good at the rebound; starting each day as a new day. its easy for me to make day 2 a reverberation of day 1, often taking me until day 4 to get back to what i desire to be 'normal'.

Also- sleeping is still an issue, and i am wondering if sleep deprivation contributes to the negativity cycle i am (somewhat) on.

yoga makes me happy

yoga to end the night, and to arise this morning. Not sure if I have more energy, but I have eaten well as I am centered on taking care of myself... so it's doing something. I also like keeping resolutions to become healthier.

new year, healthy me

maintaining balance is difficult for a person like me who tends to be in extremes. problem is, i usually don't notice being off-balance until it has become a problem that i feel. this time my problem came as stress and the flu during the holidays, which surprisingly has encouraged me to actually start this healthy blog thing.

other "resolutions" i have realized since i was sick last week include:

1) restarting my yoga routine so that i can feel reconnected and balanced

2) abandoning (even whole-wheat) flour-based foods, because my body really doesn't digest flour well

3) decreasing caffeine (coffee or tea) to one cup per day, after which all will be decaf so that I can stay better hydrated

4) increasing fiber intake, especially via fruits and veggies

Mostly I'm returning to my roots, which i easily stray from for months on end when i am stressed and/or busy. I want to monitor via this blog to see if my stress level becomes more manageable and my mood improves as i return to a healthier lifestyle.

I'm also deleting all other blogs and consolidating in this one. Yea me.